Fear of change: why do we hold on to what destroys us?
“I understand everything, but I can’t do anything about myself,” is the phrase that begins almost every second psychotherapy session. A person can complain for years about an unbearable job, a terrible relationship, or chronic anxiety. They know exactly what needs to change to get better: to free themselves, to leave their abusive partner, to start saying “no.” But when it comes down to it, they seem to freeze or find hundreds of excuses to leave everything as it is.
Why do we so desperately desire change and at the same time so fearful of it? Why does our subconscious mind choose stable unhappiness over a chance at a happy life?
In psychoanalysis, several powerful and imperceptible defense mechanisms lie behind this paradox.
The illusion of safety in a “familiar hell”
For our subconscious, the main priority is not your happiness or self-realization. Its main goal is survival. And it can survive only in conditions that are familiar to it.
If a person has been accustomed to living in a lack of love, under constant criticism, or in a state of chronic stress since childhood, this state becomes their “inner home.” Yes, in this house it is cold, damp, and the windows are constantly breaking, but the person knows exactly where the traps are and how to avoid them. They have learned to survive there.
Any changes, even for the better, are a step into the unknown. And the unknown for the subconscious is equal to mortal danger. A paradoxical logic arises: “I may feel bad now, but this bad thing is familiar and predictable. And if I go to a new place, will it suddenly be even worse there, and I won’t be able to cope at all?” Thus, the “familiar hell” becomes more comfortable than the unknown paradise.
Hidden benefit: why suffering can be “useful”
Another reason we fear change is secondary benefits. These are the unconscious bonuses that a person gets from their unfortunate situation, even though they never admit it out loud.
As long as I remain a victim of circumstances (my husband insults me, my boss underpays me), I have a legitimate right to pity, attention, and support from my friends.
While I am poor or sick, a huge responsibility is lifted from me. After all, if I recover or become successful, I will have to make adult decisions myself and be responsible for my mistakes. And so, circumstances are to blame.
Changes require the rejection of these unconscious “buns”, and the psyche resists fiercely, protecting them.
Fear of losing yourself (Identity Diffusion)
The deepest fear of change is related to the question: “Who am I if not a person who suffers?”
If a woman has spent 10 years building her identity around the role of “a patient wife who saves her alcoholic husband,” then with a divorce she loses not just her partner, but a piece of herself. The psyche is afraid of this empty space because it doesn’t know what to fill it with. It is necessary to learn to get to know yourself again, to discover your true desires, and this is a colossal and often frightening inner work.
How to take a step towards change?
Telling yourself to “just take it and do it” won’t work—it will only make your anxiety worse. You need to come to terms with your fear:
Find a secondary benefit. Ask yourself honestly, “What good do I get from not solving my problem? What liability does this impasse protect me from?”
Reduce the scale of the catastrophe. Our psyche panics when it sees a global goal (for example, “change profession at 35”). Break this path into micro-steps: today just look at vacancies, tomorrow — read an article about a new field. Small steps do not turn on the internal alarm siren.
Work on the “foundation” in therapy. Deep psychotherapy is not meant to push you in the back. It helps you grow new supports within yourself. When your inner “I” becomes strong and stable, taking a step toward external change ceases to feel like a leap into the abyss without a parachute.
Security is not the absence of change. True security is knowing that you can handle any change because you have yourself.