Every unresolved argument leaves an “emotional scar” that builds up over time and can destroy trust and intimacy. Processing an incident does not mean going back to the argument itself, but rather a joint process where each partner can express their feelings and understand the other’s point of view to avoid similar situations in the future.

Remember: The goal is to understand how the process happened and how you discussed the problem without returning to the fight itself. The main thing is a non-judgmental perception of facts. Avoid the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” (Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling), as they hinder healing.

Five steps to healing:

Step 1. Feelings

At this stage, each partner has the opportunity to talk about how they felt during the argument or incident, without commenting on the partner’s feelings.

Examples of feelings that may arise:

• Feeling defensive
• Feeling unheard
• Resentment
• Manipulative emotions
• A surge of anger
• Sadness
• Feeling unloved
• Feeling misunderstood/criticized
• Taking a complaint personally
• Feeling like someone didn’t like me
• Feeling uncared for
• Anxiety, fear, insecurity, tension
• Feeling right (“I’m right, you’re wrong”)
• Feeling like both were wrong
• Loss of control, frustration, righteous indignation
• Feeling morally justified
• Feeling undervalued, unwanted, ignored
• Irritation
• Wanting to escape/shut down
• Feeling emotionally overwhelmed (flooded)
• Feeling uneasy, stubborn, restless (insomnia)
• Feeling powerless to influence the situation
• Wanting to win the argument
• Feeling like my opinion isn’t valued
• Tired of giving/receiving
• Lack of any feelings
• Feeling like I felt nothing
• Alienation, shame, guilt, exhaustion
• Feeling like I deserve to be scolded/abandoned
• Feeling betrayed, shocked, tired

Step 2. Subjective Reality and Validation

Once everyone has expressed their feelings, it is time to describe your perception and the reality of the regrettable incident. It is important not to blame your partner, but to talk about your own behavior and perception like a “reporter” (e.g., “I said…” instead of “You said…”).

Then, summarize and validate your partner’s reality. This means showing your partner that you understood their point of view, even if you don’t agree. Validation doesn’t mean agreement, only understanding what they felt and why. For example: “I understand how you perceived it and why you felt the way you did.” This is a key step in restoring trust.

Step 3. Triggers

Discuss which events during the interaction acted as triggers and caused a strong reaction. These could be events that bring back memories of similar feelings triggered by past experiences.

Examples of triggers:

• Feeling judged.
• Feeling excluded.
• Feeling criticized.
• Feeling emotionally flooded.
• Shame, loneliness, humiliation.
• Feeling disrespected or out of control.
• Other.

Share your stories—this helps your partner better understand your “perpetual sore spots” from childhood.

Validation: Do you understand your partner’s triggers and history?

Step 4. Take Responsibility

At this stage, each partner acknowledges their contribution to the argument or misunderstanding. Talk about how you yourself contributed to the conflict without blaming the other.

Examples: “On my part, what led to the misunderstanding was that I…”

• Was tense/irritable.
• Did not express gratitude or appreciate my partner.
• Did not listen.
• Was too critical.
• Shared little about my inner feelings.
• Was emotionally unavailable.
• Started to turn away from my partner, felt resentful.
• Was too overwhelmed, wasn’t affectionate.
• Nothing good was happening between us.
• Wasn’t a good listener.
• Didn’t do what was needed.
• Didn’t feel heard/understood.
• Wanted to be alone, didn’t want to care for anyone.
• Was inattentive/insecure/exhausted.

At this stage, it is also important if you feel you want to apologize for something specific (e.g., for being too harsh, angry, defensive, not listening, showing no respect, etc.).

Step 5. Constructive Plans

Discuss what else your partner can do next time to discuss the problem more constructively. It is very important to stay calm. Then it’s your turn—what can you do to avoid a similar situation and make the conversation better?

What are you missing? Plan one way together that each of you can improve the situation next time.

John Gottman’s method for processing regrettable incidents is not just a set of instructions, but a deep process of healing and growth. It requires courage, openness, and a desire to understand your partner. By investing time and effort into these five steps, couples can turn conflicts from destructive forces into opportunities to deepen their emotional connection, strengthen trust, and build a truly resilient and happy marriage.

Are you ready to begin the healing process for your relationship?