Today, every psychological blog echoes the same call: “You owe no one anything! Live for yourself! Ignore others’ expectations!” It sounds appealing, like a manifesto of freedom. But as a crisis psychologist, I often see the other side of the coin — the loneliness and disorientation of those who took this advice too literally.

Let’s look at where the line is drawn between healthy adaptation and losing your “Self.”

Evolution of Dependency: From Survival to Freedom

We are not born independent. For an infant, meeting parents’ expectations is a matter of physical survival. If the mother is happy, the child is safe, fed, and warm. The ability to adjust to a significant adult is a basic adaptation mechanism built into us by nature. In childhood, being “good” means being protected.

The problem arises when we grow up but the mechanism remains unchanged.

Demonizing Parents as a Stage of Separation

It is currently trendy to blame parents for all of one’s troubles: from low self-esteem to career failures. Of course, childhood experience matters. However, for an adult, “searching for someone to blame” is often just a way to ease the painful process of separation.

To leave home and start building their own life, a teenager sometimes needs to see their parents as “bad” in order to devalue their rules and break free. This is a natural stage of psychological growth. However, stopping there means getting stuck in teenage rebellion instead of becoming an adult.

Adulthood is the Right to Choose Whom to Disappoint

True maturity doesn’t happen when you ignore everyone around you; it happens when you become intentional in your choices.

Imagine the situation with the classic “mom’s hat” in freezing weather:

1. A child wears the hat because they fear punishment or want to be obedient.
2. A teenager refuses to wear the hat just to spite their mom, even if their ears are freezing (this is reverse dependency).
3. An adult assesses the temperature outside and their own comfort. They might wear the hat because they are cold, or they might wear it so their mom doesn’t worry, because the peace of mind of a loved one is currently more valuable to them than stubborn principles.

Conscious Loyalty

We live in a society. We have partners, friends, and mentors. And it is normal to want to meet the expectations of people we love and respect.

The key difference: A neurotic meets expectations because they fear rejection. A mature individual meets expectations because they value the relationship.

Adulthood is when you choose your own circle. You walk alongside people whose values align with yours. And then, the desire to be “better” for them doesn’t drain you; it inspires you. You are no longer trying to guess others’ desires just to survive. You choose the expectations that you genuinely enjoy fulfilling.

Summary: Don’t be afraid to disappoint random people to stay true to yourself. But don’t be afraid to be “good” for those you hold dear. The main thing is that this choice belongs to you, rather than being a childhood fear from the past.

Do you feel the difference between “must” and “want” in relationships with your loved ones? If you want to analyze a specific situation where your boundaries are being crossed, I am ready to help.